Thoughts on Being a “Bad” (Insert Religion/Spiritual Path Here), from my Experience
For years I’ve dabbled in & out of Buddhism. Many of the core concepts (no-self, impermanence, meditation as a path to liberation, the fundamental “oneness” of all things, meaning that us & everything around us is comprised of atoms & energy that cycle around & reform into different structures that we place labels & concepts on with our minds) make sense to me. And yet every time I dive into it, I’ve never lasted more than a few weeks, and I think I know why…
Every time I’ve thrown myself at a Buddhist practice, I’ve gone in full force. Long meditation sessions, trying to be mindful for every waking moment, admonishing myself for constantly failing to be present (something that comes from my own current psychological makeup and not Buddhist teachings), and ultimately I burn out on the whole practice, stop meditating completely, and return to my normal life until I feel the urge to dive in again a few months later.
My Core Motivation for This
Observing myself further, it seems as though I’ve tried to use a Buddhist practice as a way to escape who I am. To become reborn as a monk-like person (with slightly longer hair), less affected by the everyday stresses & tendencies that often drive me to the practice when life starts to feel tough. I’ve tried to remake myself overnight, a task that any outside observer would see the clear impossibility of.
By “becoming Buddhist”, I’ve tried to mimic the constructed ideal of what my mind considers as a “Buddhist”, and what I believe (through my own interpretation) teachings describe as the ideal state. This ideal, like most, is nearly impossible in the messy world of real life, and especially impossible for someone who’s practiced on-and-off & who balances practice with long work hours & hobbies. By not seeing the disconnect, I’ve become repeatedly frustrated with my lack of perfection, and dropped the whole thing many times.
The Lesson I Learned
No matter how long I sit, no matter how many books I read, & no matter how many teachings I listen to, I’m still going to wake up as Grant Gadomski the next morning, with roughly the same personality traits as the day before. There’s no escaping the self, and Buddhism (alongside many other spiritual & religious practices) doesn’t even recommend trying to do this. In the book Meditation in Action, Chogyam Trungpa discusses the need to identify every aspect of your being & personality, both the positives & the negatives. Upon identifying these, most self-help instructors would recommend that you shove all the parts of you you don’t like out of a 32-story building, but not Trungpa. Instead he recommends that you accept & make peace with those parts of you you don’t like, and even see them as “manure”, food from which you can grow your wisdom like a plant. In reality they’re not going anywhere any time soon, and fighting, repressing, or denying them will just stress you out.
Instead of expecting myself to immediately achieve some idea in my mind, I’ve started calling myself a bad Buddhist, and for me what that really means is I’m trying to bring my true self with all my insecurities & faults, tendency to ruminate, and love of beer to the practice. I’m acknowledging that I’m not going to become a brand new person overnight, and baby steps are required. A religious/spiritual practice won’t cure you from being a human being with all your worries, fears, and baggage. Instead it provides a space, context, and/or grounding that allows you to feel a little stronger when working through this stuff. The work is still hard, the discoveries not always present, but over time you may see gradual changes in your life (often not even perceived). No matter how deep you get into a practice, you’ll still always be you, and that’s a beautiful thing.
